It was on this exact day, 1 year ago that I said f*!k it and went into a serious shell. I mean, I went completely off the grid…I just couldn’t anymore.
Now, 2022 was a pure shit show if I’d ever seen one. Everything that could bring me down was doing exactly that.
The businesses weren’t doing what I wanted them to do, I was struggling with compassion fatigue, there was little to no money in the bank, and I could predict that the holidays were going to be a doozy.
Don’t get me wrong, there were good parts of the year, but I honestly couldn’t tell you right now what they were. I guess the fact that we got out of that year with a roof over our heads, food in the fridge, and clothes on our backs.
Then, on October 30th, I got sick. I had some clue that something was coming. The day before I performed in a burlesque show and felt a weird fatigue in my body. That night I felt that slight ache in my throat, you know the one that is the yellow flag that says, “tag you’re it.”
That next morning it was full blown. I felt weak, my throat was on fire, and all I wanted to do was lay around…which is exactly what I did. The problem is that I wanted to be A1 for Halloween. I love doing Halloween with my little.
Nope…did not happen. I felt so crappy inside that I had to miss out on the kickoff of the holiday season. And my sickness lasted for about a week. I did what every overachieving Black woman does, I pushed myself to keep sessions with my clients. I pushed to show up as a mom.
Was it covid?
I don’t believe so. I believe that my body was over all the pressure, the stress, the constant moving, the negative self-talk, and so much more. Now I can see it as the reset I didn’t know I needed.
It was in the middle of being sick that I made the decision to completely disappear. Which is interesting because every card I pulled for myself that year included the hermit in some capacity. So for those of you that know, you know!
Here’s what my hermit mode looked like:
–complete social media detox, I’m talking everything because my comparisonitis was real bad
–not leaving my house to hang out, I needed my own company at the time
–limiting my time engaging with others, if someone text or called looking for me I was very transparent that I was not in a good headspace
–only adding the absolute basics to my to-do list, if it was not part of the survival kit I didn’t want anything to do with it
–ending any coaching programs I was in, the only support I wanted at the time was from my therapist
–committing to a date that I would re-enter the world, which was February 1st
Not many people knew how much I was struggling. I kept it pretty vague to those that came looking for me. Only Mr. Johnson (my partner) knew how bad it was at that moment. I would also tell my mom, only after the fact.
There were lots of tears, why me’s, burn it all down moments, looking for jobs on Indeed…listen I was down bad. I was so distraught about how our Christmas was going to look I completely missed the holidays. I mean I was there physically, but mentally it rolled right on by.
So you can imagine I had a struggle in January. I kept beating myself up about what I should’ve done and what didn’t happen.
And as much as I wanted to prove myself to myself, show that I could handle it all and it would be okay…the best thing I could’ve done in that moment was just slow down and rest.
Read this next part real slow and write it down somewhere you can see it daily…
“There is no award for being the most stressed and burnt out person in the world. You will break, your body and mind can only take so much abuse before it makes the decision to check out.”
Part of your pleasure journey is remembering that there is so much more to you than the money, degrees, certifications, gifts you can provide for others. Those things have their moments of satisfaction, but if you are not prioritizing yourself none of it will matter.
I am in awe of how much has changed in a year. And I know that if I can do it, so can you!
~Natasha Chentille
