How many times a day does someone ask you how you’re doing and you answer fine?

 

Can we just admit here that 95% of the time that answer is a boldface lie?!?!?

 

As a Black woman, in the past when someone has asked me that question I knew I was lying…each and every time.

 

And I had no interest in going into detail about all the tiresome interactions I had that day that led to whatever I was feeling.

In many instances, saying “I’m fine” has become a coping mechanism for many Black women. It’s a way to mask our pain, our problems, and our struggles.

 

Here are just a few reasons why “I’m fine” was at the top of my answer list:

 

It’s no one’s business.

Honestly, the first thought that comes to mind is…it’s not anyone’s business how I’m doing. The feeling is either someone is starting small talk or they are just being noisy. It never crossed my mind that anyone who asked me how I was doing actually cared.

 

You can’t do anything for me.

Sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder what they would do if I was to unload on them. There were days when shit was just heavy. If I was honest about how I was feeling, it would probably put them in a negative space or cause them to use that pity voice. You know the one I’m talking about, where they make you feel like a child who lost their parents in the grocery store. However, I’ve learned that a solution isn’t always necessary. A safe place to vent feels good from time to time.

 

I’ve inherited the burden of carrying the world’s woes.

Now, some may not understand this need to carry everyone’s problems, it happens to be an unsolicited gift for most Black women. All I’ve ever known is making sure that everyone else is good. It was something I watched my mother do, as well as my grandmother. I’ve also watched most Black women around me take care of everyone around them…no questions asked. It takes a lot of unlearning to realize that some things just aren’t ours to carry.

 

Strong Black women don’t do emotions.

You’ve gotta love the Strong Black woman syndrome! There is no time for any emotion other than perseverance and resilience. Even when the horriblest of things happen, we are able to compartmentalize and push through. How detrimental it is to walk around like a robot, denying ourselves the most human right of emotions. To admit that we are not fine is to admit that we are flawed. Phewww…….

 

And these are literally just a few reasons behind the beloved lie “I’m fine.” Over the last 2 years, I’ve made the decision to be honest about my feelings when someone asks. I don’t overshare because I recognize that everyone can’t hold the space of my day. However, I don’t sugarcoat the hardships anymore.

 

This is why it was important for me to create a community that was safe for Black women to be honest about what is going on. So when I ask “How are you doing?”, they know that the question is sincere and the consent is already there to unload as much as needed. If you are interested in such a space, or didn’t know a thing even existed, click here to join…for free boo!

 

I’m interested to know, why do you consistently respond with ‘I’m fine’?

~XO

Natasha Chentille