It always started off like a ripple.
Honestly, not much different from an orgasm.
However, this particular ripple came from my chest and radiated to my face. It’s only what I can imagine red would feel like.
Being angry was a norm for me. Now, I would do everything in my power to put on a happy face, but inside I was usually boiling.
There was so much for me to be upset about. I hated getting up early, watching him on his side snoring lightly. Took everything in me not to kick the bed…hell, there were a couple of times I’d knock it on purpose.
The stupid drive I had to make, sitting in traffic with people that had not an ounce of patience. Me…I was also people.
Showing up at a job where it was really clear that I was wanted for my productivity, but not respected.
I can’t even count how many times a day I had to hear:
“Smile.”
“You changed your hair again?!”
“I need an answer to that as soon as possible.”
“Can you explain why this isn’t done?”
By the time I was headed home, middle fingers in the air……boffum!!!
Pulling into the driveway of my house all I saw was chaos. Things all over the yard, house a whole ass mess, kids eating pizza AGAIN.
The rage…the rage…the rage.
I wanted nothing to do with anyone, just quiet.
One day my son hit me with the reality of the situation. “You are angry all the time. No one wants to be around you.”
My partner came at me with the same reality. “Have you not noticed that when you walk in the room the mood changes? Whenever we try to engage, all you do is nag and yell about anything you can think of.”
Even the little one had some words for me. “You aren’t as fun as daddy. All you do is yell and tell me what to do.”
That’s when it hit me…“I’m the angry Black woman. My life sucks and I’m taking everyone down with me.”
Then I just decided, I didn’t want to be her anymore. I was really tired of just being angry all the time.
See that’s the thing, once you become aware of your shortcomings…you either make the decision to change or stop complaining.
Don’t get me wrong. It was hard to figure out exactly what was going to make me find satisfaction in my life.
Notice I didn’t say happiness. Happiness is never constant, it comes and goes based on your situation. While I love being happy, I was determined to be content and at peace with my life.
So where did I start, you ask…with the things that bothered me the most.
From there I intentionally did things that made me feel good. This led to me starting my own business…which led to me writing this to you right now.
The best part about this journey is, I get to support Black women as they come out of this anger and discontentment as well.
There is so much to be angry about as a Black woman, but it literally kills us.
You, Me, Us…we deserve to thrive. To live a life of plenty, abundance, laughter, and love.
I’m not always happy these days, but I love my life and I wake up everyday with sincere gratitude.
How do you wake up?
~Natasha Chentille
